The Tranquil Vintessa

I’m at the age now where there are more married friends than single ones. If they’re not married, they’re trying to get married or getting a divorce.

I like to keep in touch with my married friends and relationship-oriented people in my life, because I enjoy hearing different perspectives on life and relationships. As someone who doesn’t put a huge emphasis on getting married, I see life as a story to be written. Getting married, to me, isn’t the start of a new journey. It’s the end of one because it’s no longer your life, it’s our life.

So hearing their perspective is interesting to me, and I often regale them with stories of my single escapes.

It used to be fun and interesting, but because I often see life through rose-colored glasses, I forget that marriage sometimes comes with a personality shift. Somehow, because of my history with these friends, I tend to think they know me, understand my personality, and accept that.

That isn’t always the case.

When you’re single and among married or relationship-oriented people, one of two things often happens. Either they’re constantly trying to set you up with any single person they see, or, if you’ve resigned yourself to your life as it is, they look at you like you’re a leopard and a possible threat.

You might also get the random person who believes they’re the Oracle. They believe that because they’ve been married for years, they understand how to get a guy, then proceed to educate you on the world of dating and can spot where you went wrong right away. 

I had one such experience.

I had gone on a date with a man who turned out to be a major red flag. When I told my single friends, it was a “what the fuck?” situation. We had a little chuckle, agreed he was trouble, and moved on.

My married friends, however, immediately panicked. They wondered how I didn’t know, asked if I had vetted the guy, what I had missed, and how I could have let that happen. They immediately judged how I could lose control in a situation where I was literally vetting the guy.

Then there’s the situation where people who are dating or married become protective of their partners.

This isn’t exclusive to married women, but couples in general sometimes start seeing single women, especially women who have chosen to be single rather than those actively looking, as though they’re prowling for any available guy and that theirs is somehow an option.

Honestly, that goes against the rules of girlhood in general.

Unless there’s some unspoken agreement between both parties, married men are off-limits. No, we don’t want your happiness. We’re creating our own.

A few times,  I’ve run into my coupled or married friends with their partners out in the wild and had a full-on conversation with my friend only to not be introduced. I understand; I’m not entitled to an introduction, but after hearing the intimate details of your relationships, I would think when the guy was literally standing in my face you’d say “oh hey this is John.”

Once I was at the farmer’s market picking up some veggies to make Ratatouille and ran into a friend there. We instantly lit up and rushed over to greet each other with a hug. After exchanging pleasantries, I noticed her boyfriend of a few months standing beside her. He and I made eye contact, then I looked at her and smiled. She smiled, and I said, “Oh, ok, well, I will see you later!” And then left.  That’s none of my business. 

Moments like this leave me wondering if it’s all in my head or if there’s this invisible war between single and coupled women that I’m unaware of. 

I don’t know when or why this girl-against-girl mentality started, or why, once you’re married or coupled, you’re suddenly the Oracle on how to find the perfect man. Nor do I understand the assumption that every single woman is thirsting after someone else’s husband.

That has never been my experience.

I don’t think there’s an invisible war. I don’t think it’s an us-versus-them situation.

I think we all have to lower our weapons and look at things objectively.

Married people don’t know the secret sauce to finding the perfect partner. They simply found someone they liked and were able to build a bond that hopefully stands the test of time.

And single people aren’t trolling for sex every waking moment or trying to seduce every person they see. They’re just living their lives.

When we understand that, maybe then the tension will break, and we can all sigh in relief.