The Tranquil Vintessa

Is it odd that sometimes we hold hookups to the same standards as we would someone in a relationship?

We know it’s casual. We know that we don’t want anything to come from the relationship, yet sometimes we hold them to the same standard as we would a long-term partner.

For example, you match with a guy online and you hit it off, but he’s not someone you see being an active part in your life. What used to happen was you’d continue to talk, maybe hook up, then the relationship would come to a natural conclusion with neither party feeling lost or confused. You were still free to date other people, or if that wasn’t your style, you’d just drop it. But it wasn’t out of anger or frustration. It just didn’t work, and you moved on.

Now, and maybe it’s because we’re in our thirties and we have a goal in mind, usually marriage and kids. Or we are tired of dating and just want to find that person. We expect people on dating apps to apply like it’s a job interview and are appalled when a guy is looking for just a hookup, as if it’s so taboo to just be looking for something fun on the side. Like, just because you hit 34, suddenly you have to be ready to settle down.

We expect when we match with other people for them to text us daily, to get to know each other, for there to be a date at a high-end restaurant, and for there to be a relationship forming when that’s rarely the case.

I found myself in traps like that multiple times. Even this morning.

I recently connected with a guy who, I’ll be honest, I just wanted to be intimate with. I don’t want a relationship right now, but a little buddy would be great.

We were supposed to talk the previous night, but nothing ended up happening. To be fair, there wasn’t a concrete plan. We loosely talked about FaceTiming, and he said he hoped I’d send him a picture that night, and I said I might show him something if he did.

But when the night came, there was no call, no nothing. I went to bed, and that was that.

When I woke up, I had a text from him telling me good night, followed by another asking for a photo. I responded by asking him what happened last night.

To which he said he was tired.

I responded, “Okay,” but was irked.

I was tempted to tell him he needed to let me know whether we were going to talk and lay down the law. But I caught myself and asked, why? What would that get me?

I don’t want a relationship with this person. I don’t even intend on regularly keeping up with him once the deed is done. So why was I mad?

I couldn’t help but wonder: are we expecting too much from hookups, or is the bar in hell?

More so, if everyone is already aware of the relationship dynamic, why expect much anyway?

I think it comes down to respect. Everyone wants to be valued and respected, and our time valued, so we put these rules and boundaries on everyone. You have to call. You have to text. You have to be intertwined in my life because if you aren’t, what does that say about me?

Hooking up and dating culture used to be lighthearted. We’d meet someone and go out for a date or two and possibly hook up. Sometimes it lasted, sometimes it didn’t. But there were no real expectations. You were just dating.

Somehow, somewhere, that freedom got lost. Now the dates need to be bigger, the communication has to be constant, and this has to be leading somewhere. There are all these checkmarks and benchmarks we put on everyone, despite us not wanting anything from them.

I think when it comes to dating, we have to not lower our standards but make them realistic for the relationship we want with the person.

If you want something more, keep them and don’t let them budge. But if you want to just have sex, then relax and enjoy the moment for what it is. Don’t stress the small stuff, and don’t put a hookup on the same bar as a boyfriend.

Because as Janet Jackson once said, “Relax, it’s just sex.”