The Tranquil Vintessa

For 6 years I’ve been on a healing journey. I was in and out of therapy and analyzing why I behave the way that I do. Is it childhood trauma? Is it depression, religious guilt, shame, anxiety?

Short answer: yes. Yes to all that.

I have an answer to why my brain bullies me sometimes, and at the end of it all, it goes, yeah, sometimes brains do that. So how are we going to fix it?

Therapy? I did that so much I got sick of talking about myself.

Find new hobbies? I did, and I love them!

Find a way to cope with big feelings? Yes, yes, all very good and works amazingly.

And yet, through all that healing, one thing I learned is that I liked that side of me. The wild, uninhibited version of myself who’s abrasive, sexually liberated, and a different-thinking person who doesn’t handle stress that well because she didn’t have an outlet.

I always thought being free in that way meant something was wrong with me. I’m not supposed to be that way. I’m supposed to want a long-standing relationship. I’m supposed to be modest and speak carefully. I’m not supposed to want to live independently, and if I did, something was wrong. It was trauma I needed to work through. I should want a stable career, and relationship, with kids. Shouldn’t I?

But that was the shame talking, not me.

I would try to overcorrect it and fix me, fix the problem. But the problem wasn’t me. It was my mindset around that part of me. I wasn’t unhappy because I was living this disgraceful life. I was unhappy because I was trying to be “good,” but I was always good. I just didn’t fit into the mold people around me thought I should.

The full-circle moment from my therapy and my healing era was realizing that after years of being good, I still wasn’t happy. I just started writing again so I had my outlet back. And when I was back to living freely as myself, I was happy. At the end of 6 years, I’m right back where I started, but with a different mindset.

I’m still blunt at times. I’m still a passionate speaker and live how I want, disgracefully and all. The main difference is I love myself more, I understand myself more, and I know when I’m overexerting myself and when to step back.

I stopped trying to be what others wanted me to be and became more of myself. The same person I was years before this started, and I accepted that I’m not perfect for the world, but I’m perfect for me. And that’s okay.

The healing era is over.

And I’m healed.