The Tranquil Vintessa

The realization that you’ve been giving yourself the absolute bare minimum is a hard one. You get so caught up in your day-to-day life that it’s easy to believe you’re fine, that everything is good, and that you’re happy. It’s not until you take a step back that you realize—maybe you deserve better. Maybe you’re capable of more. Maybe you want more.

For me, that moment came with my wardrobe. I hadn’t updated it in years, aside from a few necessary pieces. In the name of sustainability, that seemed great—but when nothing fits right, shoelaces are falling apart, and your reflection constantly looks unkempt, it starts to wear on your self-esteem. Seeing myself looking rough day after day and doing nothing about it made me feel worse. And yet, when I was staring at my cart, about to hit “checkout,” I felt shame. I told myself I technically had clothes, so why was I buying more? But it’s not just about having clothes—it’s about having clothes you love. Clothes that make you feel good.

That thought led me to other areas of my life. Where else had I been treating myself poorly? My mind wandered to Erin. The facade of that relationship had long passed its prime. Even back in July, I felt a longing that I knew I wouldn’t find with him. But I stayed. Why? Not because I liked him. Not because of the sex. If I’m being honest, it was for the socialization.

I’m still new to the city, and as an introvert who works a lot, my network is small. Most of my friends have kids or are just as busy and introverted as I am. Erin filled that space. Our relationship was convenient—structured just enough to keep me from feeling lonely. But after our falling out in November (read here), I started pulling away. I kept myself busy. Eventually, I burned out.

When I finally took a break, I saw it all—the neglected wardrobe, the lifestyle, the overall state of my life. It was a mess, and I had been ignoring it for the sake of work. But now that I was paying attention, I had to ask myself: Girl, what are you doing?

I didn’t act immediately. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t reacting to a fleeting emotion. But as I started making plans for my birthday (March 18th!) and asked if he had anything planned for us, only to be dismissed, I was done. And honestly? I wasn’t even mad at him. I was mad at myself. Girl, what are you doing?

So I ended it.

If I’m going to participate in this thing called life, if I’m going to create something beautiful, I want emotion. I want care. None of which I was getting from him. And to quote myself from a previous post—What am I staying loyal to? The man with the wife and three kids? I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Sometimes, living for the plot makes you wonder if the plot was even worth it. Is the plot ever worth neglecting yourself and settling for less? No. It never is.

Life is a journey, and I’m ready to actually live it. To do things I want to do. To create a life filled with passion and excitement, surrounded by people who celebrate me—and whom I genuinely enjoy. Not just someone to have around.

So I’m letting go of this avoidant mindset. No more working and ignoring, no more settling. I’m choosing to be mindful, to set expectations, and to live not just for the plot, but for me.