The Tranquil Vintessa

The first time I was able to give myself permission to do whatever I wanted was on my birthday a few months ago. I went on my first solo trip that I had originally planned to take with someone else. They couldn’t make it, and I would usually cancel everything and be upset. That was the first time I felt frustrated with myself. I had set these imaginary rules that didn’t matter in the end.

When I was younger, I remember being so uninhibited and allowing myself to breathe. Yet, as I got older, I lost some of that spark. That tends to happen as we get older; we fall into routines. Sundays are for deep cleaning. Every meal needs a vegetable. Then there are the social norms: don’t wear bright colors, don’t overdress. We slip into these patterns without even thinking about it. So I went by myself and learned a lot about who I was and why I shouldn’t ever have to wait for permission.

Then, when we dare to live outside of that box, we think, “Oh, I have work tomorrow,” or “I’m too old to do that,” and my favorite, “Who has time to do that?” Those are the little, unknowing boundaries we set for ourselves. They don’t feel like boundaries because they sound practical. They make sense. They feel like the mature thing to do. Those little things tell us to stop and pause and make sure it’s okay with everything else. We feel like we have to check all these boxes before we actually do the thing, when we could just do the thing.

When I first moved to my current city, I felt myself falling back into a pattern where I was putting myself back in that box. I was sitting in my disorganized home, settled into my relaxed routine, and felt the sadness creep in. I had to tell myself, You’re in a new city. No one knows you. What are you mourning? What are you waiting for?

It was then I realized the only permission I needed wasn’t from the world or from people thinking I was mature and refined; it was from me. I had to tell myself that if I wanted to do something, I could, and I didn’t need to justify it. That mindset shift gave me the courage to remove my tubes, dedicate my life to me, and create this blog in the first place. To showcase that you don’t need permission from anyone other than yourself to do whatever the hell you want.

Because it’s your life. You only have one, and you should live it how you want, not how you’re supposed to. Permission is something that you give yourself.

I feel like this chapter I’ve opened is the one where I stop justifying everything or finding a reason to do what I want and just do it. Since then, I’ve traveled, tried new things, and given myself permission to just live and figure it out as I go.

It’s not about living the perfect life, or even the most palatable one. It’s about living a life that is yours, and for that, the only permission you need is your own.