The Tranquil Vintessa

Two years ago, I was lying in my new apartment in a brand new city, staring at the ceiling with my mind racing. I was in a relationship where I wasn’t loved, and I didn’t love them. I was just lonely and didn’t even love myself. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t want to. In order to grow, I needed to leave my current partner. He wasn’t good for me and represented a part of my life I was ready to leave behind. I did what I always did—I wrote it out, this time on an online forum, listing and ranting about all of the wrong I let slide because I didn’t care enough about myself to do anything about it. One comment rang out louder than anything. “I’m not going to say it, you already know what you need to do.” My heart sank, and my eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t only crying because the relationship was ending; I was crying because my life as I knew it was about to change, and I didn’t know what would happen.

That night, I wrote a message to him telling him I was leaving. For three days, I didn’t hear anything, and when he did respond, it was a simple “you’re not going to leave.” That was the kick in the pants I needed—how dare he say I wasn’t going to leave? Does he not know me? That right there was my confidence peeking through. We went back and forth for a few weeks. I’m not going to lie, I wanted him to fight for me. But he really wasn’t; just half-assed apologies. At the end of it all, I knew he was just the needle pumping me full of dopamine, trying to keep me pulled down into this life, but he wasn’t my drug of choice. That was self-induced anxiety and depression. I say self-induced because I kept myself in that state of mental turmoil without utilizing any of the tools I prepared to get me out of it. I stayed down, and he, along with various substances, kept me down.

Once I realized that, I decided to take a hard look at myself. I stripped down to my bare skin and looked hard into the mirror. I looked over the dull stretched skin, the glazed slightly reddish eyes, and tear-stained cheeks. I looked tired, like a husk of my former self. I didn’t know this person looking at me. I slowly reached my hand upon my cheek. “This is what he’s done to you,” I said, my voice shaking, “but we are Kimberly Rae, and we can come back from this.” I looked deep into my eyes and saw a glint of light. She’s still in there; there’s still a fire and light inside of me that burns.

That day feels like light years ago. I look back at images of me and don’t know that woman. She is a stranger to me, and I’m happy for that. Since that evening, I’ve grown in so many ways. The biggest is understanding that no matter what, I control how my life goes and what I do with it. I’ve since adopted a more tranquil and free-spirited life and removed the shackles so I can dance! Remember, no matter how hard it is, you too can free yourself from whatever shackles you are in and dance in the sun. It’s time for you to grow.