The Tranquil Vintessa

When dating, it’s normal to come to the scene with a list of yeses and nos, a timeline, and a no-nonsense plan. You’re supposed to date with a clear mind and intention. The goal has been to find a suitable mate. But lately, the tides have turned, and some women aren’t dating for a soulmate in “20 days”. They’re looking for someone to add to their lives, not just fill a role.

As one of those women who isn’t necessarily dating with the intent to marry or procreate, it’s been an interesting shift in dynamics, especially since I’m dating in my 30s now. For most people, this is their final countdown. It’s where they find someone good enough or “accept their fate” and become single forever. I think I hate that last one more than the first.

Accepting being single forever gives off the vibe that you’ve given up on love and just accepted there’s no one out there for you, and that’s not really my energy.

When you go into the dating field with none of the typical expectations, people look at you like you’re weird, like you aren’t supposed to be here. Like, why are you here taking up space? They forget dating socially is a thing.

And when people, male or female, meet someone so sure about not following the status quo, they don’t know where to put you, even if there’s no pressure.

I’ve found it harder to date now when I’m not looking for a ring immediately and openly don’t want kids, as opposed to back when I was just doing the song and dance. Saying I wanted to have kids and get married, I did it to make others comfortable, but I mentally ruled them out.

So I guess the biggest change when you’re dating and not looking for a husband or creating a family is that no one, even the people who claim to not want kids or anything serious, are really looking for you. And the ones that might are few and far between. And because there’s no timeline, no list, there’s nothing keeping them around.

So you just are out here, floating in a lake of your own where no one else is sure they want to swim. You’re all in.

I find myself often getting bored dating. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, but when you live in an area where marriage and kids are at the forefront of everyone’s mind and you’re so “other,” creating a life that you’re happy with makes this little part of it seem so small when you’re creating a world so big.

But I find myself more relaxed dating. I find it’s easier to spot red flags and not believe the hype because I’m not on a deadline or in a rush. I’m chilling. Happy you’re here and still happy if you go.

So you ask, how has dating changed now that I’m openly not looking for a husband but rather my Stedman?

It’s given me peace and freedom I didn’t know I never had. It’s made me float peacefully in the dating pool while others rush toward an imaginary shore, and it’s given me a love for myself that I never knew.

So even if I don’t ever find love, which I hope I do, I know dating or not, I’m just here for a good time.