The Tranquil Vintessa

My biggest realization from spending a year by myself is that I might be the problem. Not in the most toxic way, but I have a nasty habit of hyperfixating on one thing, one outcome, and pouring my all into it, then feeling like a failure if it doesn’t happen within two weeks.

I would look at other people and see things working out for them, but unbeknownst to me, they were on year 15 while I was on month 4. I would obsess over everything because I thought that meant I cared about it. I lived that way for 26 years until I discovered one thing doesn’t have to be all of me.

I’m at a point in my life where acceptance is the name of the game. I’m finally seeing the path life has for me, and there’s a lot of potential I have that I’m simply not using. Some of it’s fear, some of it’s financial, but most of the time it’s just indifference.

I can blame other factors, but at the end of the day, it’s my own pig-headed attitude, thinking I have to stay in one place and one mode because if I dare to dream beyond what I originally wanted, I’ll never achieve anything. I’d be a failure again.

But the truth is, switching gears into something a little more practical that I still enjoy can be just as beneficial. In fact, I think this is a big lesson in duality. Two things can be true. I can care about two things. I can try to learn something different.

This dawned on me while watching the most unrealistic show: Sex and the City. I was watching the episode where they were talking about secret sex, and Carrie and Samantha visited Charlotte at her gallery job one night. I forgot the women worked, and Charlotte had a schedule that was different from her friends and didn’t work a typical 9-to-5.

I also noticed that Carrie had a regular schedule of writing at the same café on Sundays and would occasionally have to miss plans because she had deadlines to meet. It felt slightly more realistic than what the show became in later seasons. They canceled plans, they had jobs, and they admitted they couldn’t afford things.

As I watched these women go about their lives, I realized one major thing: they were ordinary. They weren’t these glamazon women who went out to exclusive bars all the time. They were at parties, some nights they were hanging out at someone’s apartment, they just knew a publicist (Samantha) who knew the right people.

The women who I once thought were fabulous were just people out living their lives and doing the best with what they had. They were single, working women who had a lot of sex and went out for drinks on the weekends. But that’s what most people do.

Ironically, seeing this change from the ultimate single divas to regular people felt like a breath of fresh air. It made me feel good to know that people who are now considered glamorous were, and very much are, just regular people living in a busy town where there’s a lot to do.

It also made me realize it’s okay to be normal. I can still live my life, chase my passions, and I’m not losing myself because I’m not obsessing over it. If anything, I’ve been missing out on a lot of life by simply not living it.

I think it comes from that whole “dream big” and “shoot for the moon” mentality, where you feel like you have to chase something fantastical. That you can’t just dream of having a well-run business, you have to have a media company with hundreds of people, and if you’re not chasing that every second of every day, you’re failing.

That weighs on you because you stop having fun and you burn out. And I’m just tired. I’m tired of being tired, and I’m sick and tired of making myself feel this way.

For a long time, I’ve felt that I was at a crossroads. One way would lead me down the life of my dreams, and the other way was failure. But I’m not at a crossroads. I’m at an intersection, and the path I’ve been ignoring is one that’s modest. It’s sunny, and it has a few bumps on the way, but they’re smooth.

I’m taking the path that leads to peace. And honestly, the path I’ve chosen feels a lot less daunting and a lot more exciting than the one I’ve been on.

I’m off on a newish adventure, and I have to say, I think it fits me well.