The Tranquil Vintessa

In my younger days, I was all about instant gratification. I chased the story, the adrenaline rush, and the thrill of attending as many parties as I could. I thought I was living my best life, and to a certain extent, I was. I loved it. But I was also at the lowest point of my life—mean and nasty, shallow and traumatized by my past.

When you live life for the plot, you can get lost in it. I met many lost people along the way, including one person with whom I was lost for a long time. We drank heavily, dancing recklessly in the darkness, a blend of joy and sorrow that defined our existence. We were both battling demons in the dark, convinced we didn’t need help and thinking we were happy.

The Turning Point

I’m not sure when the honeymoon phase ended and the sunlight began to rise again in my life, but it did. The wine was no longer sweet, the night felt cold, and we no longer danced. I was tired and wanted to feel the sun on my skin again.

I realized it was time for me to go. I needed to go. Once I felt the sun on my skin, I made a promise to myself to always be true to my heart. I vowed to prioritize my emotional, mental, and physical well-being. I began to set boundaries with myself and others, ensuring that love and kindness came first and everything else second. I decided to lead a life I hadn’t had before—one filled with love and understanding.

Facing the Shadows

The thing with dancing in the dark is that it hides everything. It conceals issues so well that you forget they exist. But when you step into the light, you see it all and can’t help but wonder, “How the hell did this happen?”

I took a year off from dating to relearn myself and address the shadows I could now see. I learned that all the drinking and dancing were hiding a bigger trauma I didn’t even know was there. I shut down and became a recluse, needing a moment to figure myself out. I began to reflect on my past decisions, questioning whether I was truly horrible or if it was just trauma. The biggest lesson I learned was that I blamed myself too much and sought validation from others when what I truly needed was to love and validate myself.

Embracing Self-Love

As I started to pull myself together, I realized I didn’t need validation from others. I didn’t need the parties (although they were fun), or the euphoric relationships that left me battered and confused. I just needed to love myself a little more.

So, I did. I took myself out on dates, made an effort to dress nicely, and read up on life and my struggles. I turned to self-help books to gain perspective on healing. I realized that while not every problem was mine to solve, there were things I could fix.

I began to reflect on my good days more than my bad ones and welcomed luck and good fortune into my life. I smiled, laughed, and learned how to cry. My year of celibacy taught me that I am worthy and that when I awaken joy within myself and focus on self-improvement, it reflects in those I meet.

Building a New Life

I’m now meeting more positive and insightful people. I’ve made friends, not enemies, and can recognize red flags more easily without making excuses for others. If something disrupts my peace, it’s not meant for me. I’m still learning and recognizing past traumas, but dedicating a year to focusing on my mind rather than my body has opened me to a new way of thinking.

I saw patterns in my exes and how they were similar in the worst ways. Now, I’m ready to re-enter the dating world with someone who values me as a person, not as someone to show off or just have a relationship with. It’s a beautiful feeling, and I’ve met some amazing people.

They say the people who surround you are a reflection of yourself, and it’s true. If you want to improve your life, look within. You might be the problem. Take some time to be with yourself, learn about who you are, and stand firm in your convictions. It might just change your life.

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