The Tranquil Vintessa

“Look, either come or don’t — I don’t care. This is my vacation I invited you on, not our vacation,” I said into the phone.

I was over it. The cat-and-mouse game. The constant tug-of-war for attention. It was exhausting.

“See, when you talk like that, it kills the mood,” Damien responded.

Of course it was Damien. Again.

Stringing me along, saying he’s interested but can’t — that I need to prove I want this, want him. The same game he always plays, and the one I keep signing up for with every text, every phone call, every image.

It’s… sad at this point. Because truthfully, I don’t even want him.

What I want is the thrill he used to bring — that rush of being desired.

Me thinking I could recreate the passion of the novels I’ve been reading, with a man I’ve cut off so many times, is laughable. Borderline madness.

“Whatever,” I said. “I don’t like talking like this either, but you frustrate me.”

“Well, let me work that out of you,” he replied, his voice low, teasing.

A sly smile crossed my face — but I wasn’t committing.

“I gotta go.”

“Fine,” he said, and the line went dead.

Truth be told, I didn’t know if I wanted him to go.

He was… available. And I didn’t have anyone else at the moment. Well — sorta. But none of them gave me that same spark I once had with him.

Then I remembered why I swore off going back.

The last time we were intimate, it wasn’t passion. It wasn’t connection. It was just sex with someone who didn’t care whether I was even there — just using my body to get off.

For a moment, I toyed with the idea of hooking up with someone new on this trip. Maybe that would be fun, I thought. But then again — I’m solo traveling. It’s a huge safety risk. I don’t want to spend my first real adventure trolling for a spark that never sustains.

Semi-defeated, I began to sulk.

Sex used to feel easier, but maybe I wasn’t happy having it either.

Maybe I’ve been chasing passion through people instead of creating it within myself.

I thought about why I planned this trip in the first place.

What it was for. Who it was for.

Tracee Ellis Ross had inspired me to go — her solo travels, the way she seemed completely at home with herself. I used to think traveling had to be this big thing, but it doesn’t. It’s simply a way to shake up your own life.

Her trip to Morocco showed me that it’s not about where you go — it’s about being with yourself.

That’s who this trip is for: me.

To go where I want, to do what I want. Not to find someone to sleep with, not to fill the silence. Just to exist in my own story.

As I sat there, I heard my own words echo back at me:

“This is my vacation, not our vacation.”

And it hit me — this is my life, not our life.

All the drama, the uncertainty, the emotional chaos… it all came from being so male-focused.

I’ve been looking for my story in men — in how they saw me, how they touched me, how they wanted me.

But babe, I don’t even want marriage or kids.

So why have I been up their crusty butts like they hold the key to my purpose?

It’s time to decentralize men.

That doesn’t mean I’m cutting off dating or going cold. That still gives them too much power.

It just means I’m not entertaining the foolishness anymore. I’m not living for the plotline of romance.

Instead, I want to build a deeper relationship with myself and the world around me.

So I planned my trip again — this time, with me in mind. I listed out everything I wanted to do on My trip.

Then I planned another trip to finally see the beach — it’s been years.

Lastly I found a local class to help me feel sensual and alive without taking my clothes off.

This was the life I thought I had to wait to live and it suddenly felt so … easy.

My mantra is simple now:

This is my life. I can make it as beautiful as I want — but I must live it.

I am my own muse.

With that, I felt the universe open up and a weight lift from my shoulders — my higher self coming into focus a little more.

Is this the freedom I’ve been chasing, the kind I thought I already had?

I don’t know.

But it feels right. Like the spark I’ve been looking for.