“That’s Miss Meanie over there!” my uncle joked, pointing at me with a wide grin. I was a child sitting next to my mother at a family dinner, avoiding eye contact with him. I was always nervous around the adults in my family; I never knew when to speak. So, I sat close to my mother, keeping silent unless spoken to.
“Yup, Miss Meanie, just like her mother,” another uncle mocked, joining in on the joke. “Sitting there looking mean!” He said, shoving food into his mouth and chuckling to himself.
I awkwardly sat there, unsure of what to say, my eyes looking down at my hands, which were starting to sweat. “Why don’t you say something to us?” one asked, looking at me with a smile. I just stared back and shrugged. He shook his head and began to say how my attitude reminded them of other family members who were just as mean. I sat there, wishing I were invisible. I didn’t remember what I said to elicit this response, but I must have done something. “Miss Meanie,” I thought. “What did I do that was so mean?”
As I grew older, I was never able to shake this name. Anything I did that I took as defending myself was seen as intimidating, rude, or mean. If someone said something ill to me, or I didn’t want to engage with them, they called me mean. When I would have issues, I would look to my family for guidance. “You gotta get mean, don’t let them punk you,” they’d say. So, I got meaner, nastier even, and remained that way until adulthood. Thinking I always had to “be tough” and “prove myself” made me less interested in opening up to people. I couldn’t let them think I was soft and therefore weak, an easy target. This mentality cost a lot. Since I didn’t open up and made mean jokes, I didn’t have many friends growing up, and the ones I did weren’t very nice. Those types of relationships don’t last.
When I got older and was out on my own, I was just as mean and adopted a loner persona. I was just an “alpha,” and alphas don’t have friends. I couldn’t help it if I was honest, and other people couldn’t handle it. How silly it is to me to have had that mentality! I look back at older posts of mine on social media, and I see someone lost. Someone who put on a front to the whole world like I was big and bad, but I was just sad and too afraid to be soft. I let that label consume me, and I did, in fact, become mean, and let me tell you, it is not fun. You end up incredibly jaded and festering with hate and envy. I didn’t like myself, let alone people, and needed everyone to feel that. It wasn’t until after a long time of reflection that I realized that, yes, I might not have been the problem before, but I am now. I let others define who I was and lost myself in an image I thought I had to be instead of just being me. They don’t define me; I do.
With this in mind, I decided it was time to change. The first thing I did was allow myself to feel again. I wanted to laugh, giggle, smile, and be joyous! Something you can’t do when you have a scowl on your face 24/7. So, I would just smile at the sun, sing in the car, and be happy. Secondly, I welcomed each difficult situation with compassion first and tried to get an understanding of the situation while calmly stating my side. Most times, it was a misunderstanding, and it can be worked out. I always make sure I’m in the correct headspace before moving forward with the conversation and leave when I’m not. I also learned how to apologize. Hey, sometimes you mess up, and that’s fine. Own up to your mistakes with grace and humility. It’s far better to say I’m sorry than it will ever be to lose a relationship forever.
Most importantly, I learned how to be myself as I define myself and no one else. No one can put me in a box, no matter how bad they want to. I live and style my life how I want it to look and have found so much beauty in it that I can’t stand to be sad or mad about anything. I mean, it’s a beautiful day, with the sun shining upon us and the birds singing us a lovely song, why would I spend it being mad? There are far too many things to be happy about that one bad moment isn’t worth it.
Remember, the energy you put out into the world is the one you get back. When I let myself become mean and bitter, the world was mean and bitter back. Unfortunate things happened to me, and I had nowhere and no one to turn to. Just like the little girl too nervous to speak when being called mean, I was alone. Now I’m an adult, and I define who I am, and I am Miss Sweetie, Miss Loving, Miss Kind, and Miss Caring. Just ask my dog and all of the wonderful people I have met on this journey to a kinder and softer life. I receive and am surrounded by love because I give love. The world can be a kind place if you’re genuinely kind to it.
With love & moonlight,
Vintessa
Sacred musings | Mystic practices | Soft heart, wild spirit