The Tranquil Vintessa

There’s a common idea that you have to teach people how to treat you. In some cases, that’s true, but in most situations you really don’t. People treat you how they want. It’s up to you to decide if you want to accept it.

When it comes to dating, I made a rule for myself: I meet people exactly where they are and go from there. I’m not going to imagine potential or romanticize the situation. I’m taking things at face value, and if it isn’t enough, I’ll say so and move on.

Recently, I rematched with a guy I had chatted with before. It had been the same pattern for a while: match, have a short conversation, fall off, and then match again later. It felt natural. Not everyone is glued to their dating apps, and I never really thought about the “why.” It just happened. That’s online dating.

After we matched again, we were following the same pattern when he said, “This time I’m determined to meet you.” I laughed but didn’t really put much stock into it. I figured maybe he just wasn’t into messaging on apps.

But then the same pattern showed up again.

There was no “how was your day,” no conversation, no effort to get to know each other. Just silence. I already know that I prefer regular communication, and if that isn’t someone’s vibe, I’m not about to change them. We’re not looking for anything serious anyway, so why force it?

Eventually he suggested meeting for coffee, but the weather got bad so we waited. After that he suggested meeting again, and I said sure, after work. Then there was no response until the next evening when he said something had come up.

The silence kept stretching, and honestly, I was already losing interest because there was nothing there to create interest in the first place.

Later he mentioned meeting up again, and I told him I didn’t think our communication styles matched. He deflected a little, pointing out that we had tried to meet before but plans had fallen through. But the truth was that during that entire time we barely spoke. I don’t want to go out with someone I haven’t talked to or gotten to know. One short conversation and then popping back in two weeks later to hang out isn’t building anything.

That kind of low effort just isn’t appealing to me.

He said he understood and that he’d try harder. When I told my friend about it she sighed and said, “Kim, how is he supposed to know that?”

I said, “You should want to talk to someone you matched with before meeting them.”

Still, I didn’t close the door. I mean, he wasn’t even in the building. There was nothing to close.

He sent two messages over the next two weeks. Neither really started a conversation. Just the usual:

“Hey, how’s your week going?”
“Good. Yours?”
“Good.”

That was it.

I firmly believe that how someone gets you is how they’ll keep you. If I accept low effort in the beginning, why would he ever try to do more later? Why would I need to teach someone how to court me?

If someone is interested, they’ll show interest.

So when he messaged again asking what I was doing that day, I just didn’t respond. I’m not blocking him. That feels dramatic. I’m not ranting or raving. I’m simply not showing up for someone who only shows up randomly.

It’s not dramatic. It’s just walking away.

I don’t have the energy for someone who isn’t going to improve my life.

Because the truth is, I can be lonely alone.