The Tranquil Vintessa

There are times in life when it just doesn’t feel alive. The days blend into the next, and while the sun is still out, it’s behind clouds. So nothing is wrong, but nothing is right.

That’s how I feel right now. I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I feel like I’m here. I’m just existing, and this is despite things happening around me. I have a trip I’m very excited for. I’m deep cleaning and redoing my apartment. I recently got back in contact with an old friend and joined a new social circle.

Yet when I open the blinds and light the incense, I feel nothing—just an endless list of things to do and tasks to complete. I don’t have the joy of life; I just have a life. And I’m sick of pretending that I like it. I hate the dullness of it.

Is this how it feels for other people? I feel like my life is millennial grey, the pixies took over, and the fairies have left.

I want to blame this on growth, on getting older, on the other side of self-love. I used to just do things for the hell of it, just to see. After learning about this pattern and the negative effects of it, I pulled back and refocused, and I was proud of myself. I was making decisions for future me—but I didn’t expect future me to be so boring.

My first sign that something felt off was when I lost my sex drive. I thought I was healing, that it was healthy, and that it would come back when I was with someone I liked. And while that may be true, it was also a signal that the passion of life was leaving. I wasn’t craving anything or wanting to pursue anything passionately. My love for sex wasn’t just physical—it was a passion for life and an excitement for living.

I’ve done rituals to fill it back up, and I love a ritual, but life has slowed down too much. The love of self and body is there, but there’s no feeling or passion about it. I want to feel that spark again—that sunlight from living, from living life for the plot again.

I know it’s not the best motto, but since I was a young child, I’ve always said: I don’t want to live a boring life. That’s my goal over anything. I don’t want to live life safely. I want to live life like it’s supposed to be lived, exciting, story-filled, not turning away from something because I’m tired, because it’s not aesthetic, or because it’s not good for future me.

Maybe it looks like buying the shoes. Maybe it’s choosing the story over the schedule. Maybe it’s leaving my hair frizzy and going anyway. At this point, I don’t know what happens next. I have a few things I want to do, and I don’t know if dating is or isn’t included in the plan. I just know that I want to live my life like I did before.

I don’t know what that looks like yet.

I only know I want the fairies back.