The Tranquil Vintessa

It has recently come to my attention that my life has potential. Not in the you can do anything kind of way. We all have potential. But in the way that I can do whatever I want, yet I’m doing nothing.

I want to do things and try things, yet I don’t.

If you were to ask me why, I would say I don’t have the time, money, or energy, or my new favorite, once I get this I’ll do that. It’s an endless loop. I could rationalize it with some deep philosophical meaning, but at the end of the day I’m simply telling myself no on something I want and not even attempting to try.

This realization came to me after two huge events: getting my tubes tied and buying a new car. They were both things I had been dragging my feet on but had wanted for years. When I was finally ready and went in just to talk about options, everything fell into place. I was able to get my car the same day, and it passed inspection with no issue. With my doctor, I didn’t have to overly explain why I didn’t want kids or justify my decision. She was my first choice, and I didn’t have to look around.

The universe aligned and was waiting for me to take that first step.

So why do I still second guess when the universe aligns with me?

It’s self doubt. It’s uncertainty. It’s a little bit of being too comfortable.

But as I said years ago, I’m tired of my own bullshit. I want to live, maybe not in a blaze, but to write my story differently. To find joy and love within myself and create a life without the drama of dating or the need for an adrenaline rush. A life lived beautifully, where the story lies in the journey.

That’s why this year I decided it would be the Year of Me. A year where I pour into myself, get uncomfortable, and learn how to live life single but not lonely. To start over in my 30s and find laughter, joy, and happiness with myself. To truly live a sensual life where I indulge in living and allow myself to enjoy it.

No dramatic changes. Nothing that requires me to resettle my life. Just finding my little bits of happy where I am.

The first thing I’m tackling is a trip.

I’ve never had a huge travel bug, but I do need to shake off the ash and dust and go somewhere. So for my birthday, I’m going solo traveling, à la Tracee Ellis Ross. I booked a small getaway to Asheville, a trip I’ve put off for years.

Somewhere quiet enough to hear myself think again.

I’m excited, nervous, and overplanned, but it’ll be nice.

Next, I’m planning a day date for myself so I can learn my city better, and then redoing my sanctuary, another thing I’ve been putting off for far too long. It’s nothing crazy, just a way to get off my phone and get back into living a life that isn’t passing me by.

Think of this post as a promise to myself to live life beautifully, not quickly. I’ve always thought of life as a project, and it’s about time I start working on it.

How do you reinvest in yourself and add a spark? Are you a small achievement person or do you do a big celebration? Let me know in the comments.

I’ll be sharing the essays here, and keeping the quieter notes, photos, and behind-the-scenes moments over on Substack if you’d like a more intimate look.

Here’s to noticing the little sparks along the way and letting them light the life I’ve always wanted.