The Tranquil Vintessa

My 20s were the most toxic era of my life—everything except death and jail happened, and I’m just grateful I made it out alive and without kids. At 28, I decided I wasn’t cool and that I was going to be as odd and unusual as I wanted to be. When my 30th birthday came, I started a renewal ritual to wash away the old me and welcome the new era and decade into my life. I was determined to embrace my new self and accomplish my goals.

I repeated this ritual yearly, writing down and meditating on my goals for the upcoming year, giving myself one last hurrah with whatever “bad” habit I had indulged in before fully stepping into the new year—very much a new year, new me vibe. But this year my birthday feels different.

In my 32nd year, I saw real growth within myself. For the first time, I truly like who I am and how I carry myself. I accomplished my goals and have been steadily working on new ones. There’s really only one thing I feel the need to change—my need for control.

Most people describe me as a free spirit who floats through life, and I take it as a compliment. But the truth is, I have to control so much in my life just to feel relaxed. Every little detail has to be planned out in order for me to “go with the flow.” I thought I was just being responsible and intentional, but in reality, I was forcing people into boxes and structuring events in a way that made me feel secure. It ultimately sabotaged experiences that could have been amazing.

For example, even though I’m not interested in long-term relationships, I strictly limit flings to three months. I won’t go past it—I’ll complain, find a reason to end things, and stick to my decision, even if nothing is actually wrong. It’s not even about the relationship itself. It’s about maintaining control, about proving (to myself and others) that I know what I’m doing, even when I don’t really care. The unstructured nature of it all unsettles me, so I impose limits just to feel grounded.

But there was one relationship in particular that turned toxic—one that could have been avoided entirely if I had just paused and listened to what they wanted (or didn’t want). If I had let go of my need to control the outcome and simply enjoyed the moment for what it was, I could have spared myself a lot of unnecessary pain.

I want to be the carefree person people already see me as. The first step is shifting my birthday renewal. I’m not going to create a strict list of goals this year. Instead, I’m letting the universe take the lead. My only focus will be celebrating myself and finally doing the things I’ve wanted to do for years.

I won’t lie—I’m nervous. But maybe that’s the point. Growth isn’t about certainty; it’s about trust. So this year, I’m surrendering. I’m stepping into the unknown, not with a plan, but with faith that wherever I land is exactly where I’m meant to be.

How do you let the universe decide? Are you someone who needs to know every detail, or do you go with the flow?