The Tranquil Vintessa

I logged into Facebook as part of my daily scrolling, and a memory popped up: “‘I love you’ has 8 letters, so does bullshit.” I couldn’t help but cringe at my attempt to be edgy. I’m sure I picked that up from some random Tumblr post and thought it was clever at the time. Feeling nostalgic, I decided to scroll through some old posts. I saw photos of past friends, some who are still with us and others who aren’t, along with more pictures from my clubbing days. Then I came across tweets that not only made me cringe but some that I absolutely hated. I get being edgy, but some were just plain disgusting. Looking back, I’m so grateful for how much I’ve grown since then. The person I am today is so much happier and more at peace with myself. I know there are people who have become stagnant in their growth, so I wanted to share some advice that really helped me evolve in the best way.

1. Understand that everyone isn’t for you, and every place isn’t for you.

It’s in our nature to want to fit in. It’s almost primal, like a safety-in-numbers thing. We’re programmed to go out, make friends, and find someone to do life with. And that’s great—having people around and an active social life is important for your mental health. But the issue arises when we try to fit in with people who aren’t really our people. We end up changing who we are and what we like just to belong.

A few years ago, I took a job where I just didn’t fit in. Every girl at the office shared the same hobby, was inspired to work in the field by the same TV show, and was obsessed with the product we were selling. I came in as the crystal-loving, spiritual type, and I didn’t fit their aesthetic at all. I began toning down my look and altering what I talked about, which only led to self-doubt. Even after all that effort, I still didn’t fit in. While we were cordial and I have nothing bad to say about them, I knew they weren’t my people. I began dressing as myself again and doing what I enjoyed. I also started looking for another job and found one I liked, where I could grow alongside people I genuinely enjoyed. By maintaining my integrity, I was able to reconnect with myself and find a job that suited me better. We all stumble and fall sometimes, thinking we need to change to fit in, but you should always be yourself. And if you don’t fit in, don’t beat yourself up over it; not everything is meant for you. Let it go and move on.

2. Sometimes, messed-up things just happen.

When I was younger, my family was very religious, so I was taught that everything was part of a divine plan. As I got older, I started hearing others say that when hardships happen or you meet a “bad” person, there’s a lesson for you to learn. I used to believe that and stayed around people who weren’t good for me because I thought they were supposed to teach me something. Now, I realize that people say those things to cope. My new coping mechanism? Sometimes messed-up things just happen, plain and simple. If you learn something from it or it leads you to something amazing, that’s great. But overall, sometimes bad things just happen, and it’s not about the reason behind it but how you handle it.

Accepting this stopped me from overanalyzing every difficult situation, trying to find the hidden message, or asking God, “Why me?” My uncle on my dad’s side always says, “It is what it is,” because most times, that’s just the case. You have to deal with it, and thinking about it too much can stress you out more than the situation itself. Either you leave the person or you stay. Either you figure out a plan to fix the problem, or you don’t. Regardless, it is what it is.

3. What you put out is what you get back.

Reflecting on my previous posts, it’s clear that the negativity I was putting out was shaping my reality. I was putting out so much anger and hate that it’s exactly what I got in return. It’s no wonder I didn’t have supportive friends and why some people kept their distance—it’s evident in my behavior. Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend either.

But when I started acting out of love and putting positivity out into the universe, that’s what I began to receive. I was welcomed into spaces that once shunned me. I was able to make lasting connections and form a real friend group—something I never truly had before. The thing is, you get what you give. If you act with negativity in your heart, that’s what you’ll attract. The same goes for love and positivity.

4. No one is out to get you.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the world is against you, but the truth is, everyone is the center of their own universe. That means they have a whole life that has nothing to do with you. So, unless you do something directly to them, it’s very rare that someone is coming after you. Understand, too, that you can only control yourself. You have no control over what others will do, so focus on making your own universe bright. Your life will be more peaceful because of it.

Reminding myself of these core messages in my healing journey has helped me remain peaceful and calm. It also helps me put my past behind me and continue to focus on the future. After a few scrolls, I closed the app and stared out the window. It is what it is; I can’t change what happened or what I said. I can only apologize and move on. So I did.

Take a moment and reflect on your own journey. What lessons have you learned along the way that helped shape you into the person you are today? Sound off in the comments!